I've always been a black or white kind of person. In fact through the years I've gotten a lot of criticism for that. But I always believed that's one of my better traits. I will never make excuses for my mistakes. Nor will I expect people to apologize just because they hurt my feelings without doing anything wrong, I simply don't believe in Grey. How can one be kinda right or a little wrong, it just does not make sense to me. Or at least I thought it would never.
As I look , and watch small and big things happening around me, I always found myself sure of the difference between right and wrong. I have a tendency of simplifying things. I believe that there are certain wrongs, no matter what the reason behind the act, are universally considered unacceptable. Killing, stealing, rape, cheating and in my mind wasting a glass of good scotch :) I always believed that as the degree of the wrong lessens, or the gravity of the reason behind it increases, this is where the confusion begins. If I steal a piece of candy, is that wrong? I'm sure it is, but would stealing a piece of mentos affect the fabric of this universe? So no question its wrong, but because its so small, you might even find it funny. Now if i kill someone that raped and killed my wife and daughter and got out of jail because of a technicality, is that wrong? It is! But, I can understand why someone would do such a thing. So its wrong, but because of the reason behind it, you can forgive what that person has done.
In both cases what muddles the line between right and wrong is the emotion, or lack of it. In both cases we bend our tolerance because of what we feel. Is it right to do that? As I ask myself that simple question, I cannot give a black and white answer.
I assume just like me, you wonder, what is the point of this somewhat futile attempt to comprehend mans complexity. I wish I had an answer. In reality I just woke one day confused. I woke up asking, just because I was hurt, does it mean the other person is wrong? Or just because, happiness is the reason behind the act makes the other person right? Again another grey, something I don't believe in but will have to live with. As I examine my decisions and my emotions, I realize that what seemed like a life spent in black and white, is peppered with so many greys. Maybe one day, I can start appreciating the freedom that this color offers. But until then I will have to go back to believing that there is no room for interpretation when it comes to the truth, its either you are right or wrong.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Monday, January 18, 2010
First, first date in 9 years!
How weird. Going out on my first, first date in 9 years. Its a funny feeling to be back in the game. I'm anxious, a little scared and unsure of myself. But i realized I had to get back on the saddle. Friends have tried to set me up, went on several of those group things, some were fun others had a lot to be desired. But its still much easier than having to carry a conversation on my own for at least an hour. If all things fail I still have alcohol to save the day. The nice thing I realized about going on these group things, if there's nothing there, you gain a new friend. A nice save to a missed opportunity. But sooner or later I have to face the big black monster, the dinner date!
For those of you wondering how I can be so worried about going on a date, the last time I asked a girl out on a date was in college, so I've been out of practice. I just realized its so much easier for women, all you have to do is show some interest and the guy will probably ask you out. But us, oh my, the anxiety of getting rejected is crazy! So to start me off with my dating adventures, I asked several of my single and not so single but recently hooked up friends on how the game is played now. I had so many questions.....
1. How young is acceptable? You can go as old as you want! :)
Friend 1: Divide your age by 2 add 5. (Is this even true?)
Friend 2: Age is but a number, in fact the younger the better, Basta tapos na mag aral pwede na! (Hmmmm I have my doubts about this one but I think he's selling to himself)
Friend 3: Bottom should be 4 years younger, di mo na kayang sumabay sa gimik nang mas bata. (I want to disagree but he might be right)
2. Where do you take your date? Dinner right away or meet up for drinks?
Friend 1: Drinks muna, pag dinner malaki kagad investment atleast kung sablay isang drink lang ang gastos. (A very economical view)
Friend 2: The works dapat, shock and awe! Impressive dapat ang first date. (Again not everyone is like you na may budget, but it does leave an impression.....)
Friend 3: How about you give your date an option, then you don't have to decide and risk not choosing what she's comfortable with. (Ok si friend 3 ah, kaya ikaw may girlfriend)
3. How do you know the date is going well?
Friend 1: If she doesn't throw anything at you, or physically hurt you, may chance ka. (Hahahahaha)
Friend 2: If she kisses you at the end of the date, you're ok. (Malamang diba)
friend 3: Fish, ask her something that will require a second date to do, if she's ok with it, you're doing fine. (Subtle, calculated, just might work)
These are some of the questions I asked. It went on for a few hours, three friends, three different views. Let's see if any of their answers work. I'll keep you posted with how my first date goes.......
For those of you wondering how I can be so worried about going on a date, the last time I asked a girl out on a date was in college, so I've been out of practice. I just realized its so much easier for women, all you have to do is show some interest and the guy will probably ask you out. But us, oh my, the anxiety of getting rejected is crazy! So to start me off with my dating adventures, I asked several of my single and not so single but recently hooked up friends on how the game is played now. I had so many questions.....
1. How young is acceptable? You can go as old as you want! :)
Friend 1: Divide your age by 2 add 5. (Is this even true?)
Friend 2: Age is but a number, in fact the younger the better, Basta tapos na mag aral pwede na! (Hmmmm I have my doubts about this one but I think he's selling to himself)
Friend 3: Bottom should be 4 years younger, di mo na kayang sumabay sa gimik nang mas bata. (I want to disagree but he might be right)
2. Where do you take your date? Dinner right away or meet up for drinks?
Friend 1: Drinks muna, pag dinner malaki kagad investment atleast kung sablay isang drink lang ang gastos. (A very economical view)
Friend 2: The works dapat, shock and awe! Impressive dapat ang first date. (Again not everyone is like you na may budget, but it does leave an impression.....)
Friend 3: How about you give your date an option, then you don't have to decide and risk not choosing what she's comfortable with. (Ok si friend 3 ah, kaya ikaw may girlfriend)
3. How do you know the date is going well?
Friend 1: If she doesn't throw anything at you, or physically hurt you, may chance ka. (Hahahahaha)
Friend 2: If she kisses you at the end of the date, you're ok. (Malamang diba)
friend 3: Fish, ask her something that will require a second date to do, if she's ok with it, you're doing fine. (Subtle, calculated, just might work)
These are some of the questions I asked. It went on for a few hours, three friends, three different views. Let's see if any of their answers work. I'll keep you posted with how my first date goes.......
Saturday, January 9, 2010
YOUR FRIENDS CAN GET YOU THROUGH ANYTHING
For many years and many reasons I sort of lost touch with my old High school friends.We were an eclectic bunch. On the outside we were an unlikely group, there were Ateneans, LaSallistas, one was from South Ridge. I think at that age we only had one thing in common, our love of cars. But let me qualify that, not because I loved cars means I had a kick ass ride, my cars story deserves a separate post all together.
How we started out was pretty funny, we all met in church. A good friend of mine from school asked me to join this church group in San Antonio, in fact I vividly remember his long monologue on how beautiful the girls were. After pointing out the names of the high school heartthrobs that were part of it, I needed no additional motivation to join.
After the retreat weekend, I found my self frequenting the weekly Saturday meetings. In all honesty the weekend worked its magic, half of my motivation was to get close to god, half was to be with my new found friends. The long and short of it I became very active. So before I knew it I was part of this group the lost boys. There was a time when I would see these guys at least three times a week, two of the lost boys lived in the same village, and most of the other guys would converge in their houses. For a while all of us were joined in the hip. Its funny as I look back that I found my closest friends in the most unlikely place, aside from my best friend who is also part of it, I would have never met these guys if not for that church group in San Antonio.
Fast forward to 14 years after, they are still my closest group of friends. I have met many people and formed close bonds with different groups, but being with them feels like home. I apologize to all of you for not being able to put more effort in keeping touch. But that will change from now on.
As I went through one of the saddest chapters of my life, it was them that picked up the pieces and carried me through. The countless nights, of listening to me wallow, the hour long conversations about my grief and the annoying can I go with you even if I'm a third wheel, they were willing to go through all of that without flinching. Because it was me.
Its getting better now, I'm not as sad, I just need constant attention, and my best friend who is as bad as me when it comes to answering phone calls is making an effort to return my calls immediately, that in itself is a miracle. Thank you brother. Right now I get my strength from their constant reminder that I will get over this, and its working. I have moved past depression and anger, and I find my self accepting what has happened.
I guess I always knew how lucky I was to have such a great set of friends, so the only thing left to do, is to tell them myself.
How we started out was pretty funny, we all met in church. A good friend of mine from school asked me to join this church group in San Antonio, in fact I vividly remember his long monologue on how beautiful the girls were. After pointing out the names of the high school heartthrobs that were part of it, I needed no additional motivation to join.
After the retreat weekend, I found my self frequenting the weekly Saturday meetings. In all honesty the weekend worked its magic, half of my motivation was to get close to god, half was to be with my new found friends. The long and short of it I became very active. So before I knew it I was part of this group the lost boys. There was a time when I would see these guys at least three times a week, two of the lost boys lived in the same village, and most of the other guys would converge in their houses. For a while all of us were joined in the hip. Its funny as I look back that I found my closest friends in the most unlikely place, aside from my best friend who is also part of it, I would have never met these guys if not for that church group in San Antonio.
Fast forward to 14 years after, they are still my closest group of friends. I have met many people and formed close bonds with different groups, but being with them feels like home. I apologize to all of you for not being able to put more effort in keeping touch. But that will change from now on.
As I went through one of the saddest chapters of my life, it was them that picked up the pieces and carried me through. The countless nights, of listening to me wallow, the hour long conversations about my grief and the annoying can I go with you even if I'm a third wheel, they were willing to go through all of that without flinching. Because it was me.
Its getting better now, I'm not as sad, I just need constant attention, and my best friend who is as bad as me when it comes to answering phone calls is making an effort to return my calls immediately, that in itself is a miracle. Thank you brother. Right now I get my strength from their constant reminder that I will get over this, and its working. I have moved past depression and anger, and I find my self accepting what has happened.
I guess I always knew how lucky I was to have such a great set of friends, so the only thing left to do, is to tell them myself.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
GOT TO MAKATI IN 30 MINS, SHOPPED, LOST MY PHONE AND HAD A DRINK WITH A GOOD FRIEND
The day started out pretty good. I woke up with a skip in my step. Getting out of bed was easier than usual and the morning exodus to Makati was actually quite pleasant. There was no traffic in C5 and the usual hour long commute was cut to a leisurely 30 minute drive. I was saying to my self the day couldn't get any better.
Work was no different everything seemed smoother than usual. It was actually a weird feeling, meetings felt shorter and emails were manageable, to think we were in the midst of a major event, but still i felt pretty good, basically I went through the day wearing a ridiculously big grin. At around 6, I decided to go to Greenbelt 5 first to get a haircut and then see if I could find something nice for myself, haven't really gone shopping in a while. The moment I arrived in Greenbelt, one of the stores caught my attention, the big red sale sticker posted on the window helped. I decided to just go back after I finish with my haircut. I still couldn't get over it, it was one of those shops that I checked once and found it too pricey, but they we're on sale! What a day....
So right after my haircut I ran to the shop picked 2 items from the SALE pile, it usually takes me 10 minutes to buy something. So as I rushed out of the store to meet up up with a friend, i noticed the oddest thing, my phone was not in my pocket. Panic started to set in, I never realized I still had it in me to run that way. When I get there I checked all the places I went to, nothing, my phone was gone. Then in the corner of my eye I see the security guard staring at me. Didn't mind him, i was too flustered. I talked to the salesman and asked him about it, then the guard went up to me, so I asked him if anything was left inside the shop. With a high pitched voice he said: "wala kayong naiwan na cellphone dito lahat tiningnan ko na." So I politely asked the salesman to lend me his phone so I could call the Globe hot line and have my line cut, after that the day that seemed to be headed for perfection became an epic failure.
So after buying a pre-paid kit, i called my friend and made sure drinks were pushing through, not with the original intent to celebrate, but get over the irritating feeling that someone stole something very important from you. Seems to be a recurring theme in my life.
After a few toasts with our good friend Jack, we called it a night. We made our way to our cars and then it hit me, I felt like I was in one of those CSI scenes where they breakdown the crime and figure out who did it. Remember the guard? I never told him that I lost my phone, i just asked him if anything was left, but he said, "wala kayong naiwan na cellphone". He did it! But I'm not sure, and I would never confront anyone without being sure, I'm sorry if its not him, just feels better when you know about it, even if you can't do anything anymore.
Work was no different everything seemed smoother than usual. It was actually a weird feeling, meetings felt shorter and emails were manageable, to think we were in the midst of a major event, but still i felt pretty good, basically I went through the day wearing a ridiculously big grin. At around 6, I decided to go to Greenbelt 5 first to get a haircut and then see if I could find something nice for myself, haven't really gone shopping in a while. The moment I arrived in Greenbelt, one of the stores caught my attention, the big red sale sticker posted on the window helped. I decided to just go back after I finish with my haircut. I still couldn't get over it, it was one of those shops that I checked once and found it too pricey, but they we're on sale! What a day....
So right after my haircut I ran to the shop picked 2 items from the SALE pile, it usually takes me 10 minutes to buy something. So as I rushed out of the store to meet up up with a friend, i noticed the oddest thing, my phone was not in my pocket. Panic started to set in, I never realized I still had it in me to run that way. When I get there I checked all the places I went to, nothing, my phone was gone. Then in the corner of my eye I see the security guard staring at me. Didn't mind him, i was too flustered. I talked to the salesman and asked him about it, then the guard went up to me, so I asked him if anything was left inside the shop. With a high pitched voice he said: "wala kayong naiwan na cellphone dito lahat tiningnan ko na." So I politely asked the salesman to lend me his phone so I could call the Globe hot line and have my line cut, after that the day that seemed to be headed for perfection became an epic failure.
So after buying a pre-paid kit, i called my friend and made sure drinks were pushing through, not with the original intent to celebrate, but get over the irritating feeling that someone stole something very important from you. Seems to be a recurring theme in my life.
After a few toasts with our good friend Jack, we called it a night. We made our way to our cars and then it hit me, I felt like I was in one of those CSI scenes where they breakdown the crime and figure out who did it. Remember the guard? I never told him that I lost my phone, i just asked him if anything was left, but he said, "wala kayong naiwan na cellphone". He did it! But I'm not sure, and I would never confront anyone without being sure, I'm sorry if its not him, just feels better when you know about it, even if you can't do anything anymore.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
2010, this is my year
Another year has passed, and the first decade of the second millennium has begun and 10% of the 21st century is done....
Whatever you wanna call it, its just another year. Yes my friends its nothing new. In fact there were 2,009 years before this one and a few thousand years before 0001 A.D. (What does A.D. mean again? Can't remember what I learned in Social Studies) So what's so different about this year? Well at least for me a 9 year relationship is over, a 3 year project is bearing fruit and the possibility of fulfilling 2 life goals is in the horizon. So all in all, although one major door closed the rest of the windows have opened. So i decided to make a bucket list to make 2010 my year. Yes, I watched the movie and I liked it! This first post fulfills the first item:
1. Make a blog - Done
2. Lose 35 pounds in 2 months
3. Climb Pulag, Apo and maybe Kota
4. Put up a small poultry operation
5. Get a promotion
6. Make 50 new friends this year (I have 2 new ones)
7. Spend more time with my family
8. Break 90 in a round of golf
9. Do my first triathlon
10. Buy an IWC portuguese
11. Rebuild my dads impala
12. Celebrate my birthday in our ancestral house
13. Go on a 2 week vacation
14. Get in touch with old friends
15. Save 20% of my annual net income
16. Be happy for my Ex, wish her all the best and move on - DONE!
2 out 16 ain't so bad, but i still have a long way to go to make 2010 my year.
Whatever you wanna call it, its just another year. Yes my friends its nothing new. In fact there were 2,009 years before this one and a few thousand years before 0001 A.D. (What does A.D. mean again? Can't remember what I learned in Social Studies) So what's so different about this year? Well at least for me a 9 year relationship is over, a 3 year project is bearing fruit and the possibility of fulfilling 2 life goals is in the horizon. So all in all, although one major door closed the rest of the windows have opened. So i decided to make a bucket list to make 2010 my year. Yes, I watched the movie and I liked it! This first post fulfills the first item:
1. Make a blog - Done
2. Lose 35 pounds in 2 months
3. Climb Pulag, Apo and maybe Kota
4. Put up a small poultry operation
5. Get a promotion
6. Make 50 new friends this year (I have 2 new ones)
7. Spend more time with my family
8. Break 90 in a round of golf
9. Do my first triathlon
10. Buy an IWC portuguese
11. Rebuild my dads impala
12. Celebrate my birthday in our ancestral house
13. Go on a 2 week vacation
14. Get in touch with old friends
15. Save 20% of my annual net income
16. Be happy for my Ex, wish her all the best and move on - DONE!
2 out 16 ain't so bad, but i still have a long way to go to make 2010 my year.
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